The chapter where James makes Bella his chew toy/punching bag may not make Twilight any less an abomination, but it never fails to put a smile on my face. Unfortunately, said smile fades when I remember what happens directly after Bella wakes up in the hospital after having surgery. So you, my dear readers, can understand my rage better I’m going to give a bit of personal background information.
On July 25th, 2012 I had my gall bladder surgically removed. I spent almost a day and a half moaning and sobbing from an excruciating pain in my abdomen (and by excruciating I mean ‘please just SHOOT ME NOW!’ excruciating) before I finally hauled my ass to the hospital and was informed my gall bladder was infected and contained a large stone. The doctors informed me that if I didn’t have it removed I would just be carrying around a sack of incurable poison in my body that would only get worse over time. So, I agreed to have surgery.
Thanks to the anesthesia, I don’t remember anything about the procedure. All I remember is being rolled into the OR, and then waking up some time later. But upon waking up my first coherent thought was ‘Oh, God, what did I let them DO to me!?’ Apart from feeling as though a bomb had exploded in my abdomen it took me at least half an hour to remember how my hands and eyelids operated. Said half hour was spent twitching my fingers experimentally, and testing how long I could keep my eyes open. And talking…well, that was pretty much impossible during that half hour. When I could finally talk I’m quite certain I sounded like a seventy-year-old man who had spent the last fifty years chain-smoking. The next few hours passed in a blur of consciousness and unconsciousness. By some miracle I was able to get dressed by myself when night rolled around and that’s only because I was given a full dose of pain meds. After that I was out.
Bella Swan on the other hand has a somewhat different experience upon waking up from her own surgical ordeal. After she takes in her surroundings, she realizes she is “uncomfortable.” Here is a list of things she does afterward.
1. Tries to rip the breathing tube from her nose, but is stopped by Edward.
2. Frantically apologizes to Edward and has a perfectly coherent conversation with him without having any trouble speaking whatsoever.
3. Whines about the IV in her arm.
4. Tries to manipulate Edward into turning her into a vampire.
She does all this right after she regains consciousness from surgery. She mentions “soreness” and “fogginess” from the pain meds, but she acts like she’s just woken up from a FUCKING NAP!
And don’t even get me started on her injuries. According to Edward she had a broken leg, four broken ribs, some cracks in her skull, bruises covering every inch of her skin, and a great deal of blood loss.
(seethes murderously for a moment)
Let me emphasize one thing. In order to have my gall bladder removed, the surgeon had to make four cuts on my abdomen. One under my breastbone, two over the right side of my ribs, and one just below the navel. These cuts were tiny. Barely more than an inch long and as thin as a pencil line. If you saw them for yourself you would think ‘how the hell could it hurt that much?’ I don’t know how either. All I do know is that it hurt like fucking hell even with taking pain meds in full dosages. And if it weren’t for the pain meds I probably would have eventually blacked out if I couldn’t shoot myself or slit my wrists. No. I am not being a drama queen. It was that bad. And couple that with the fact that I have a naturally high tolerance for pain, too.
Now let’s talk about recovery time. Edward assures Bella that she’ll be out of the hospital in a few days. Two weeks at most.
After my operation, the worst of the pain lasted for five days. I spent almost all of those five days sleeping and dealing with a mild case of schizophrenia thanks to the pain meds (I heard voices and felt people pressing up against me). Even after I got off the pain medication, I was still so sore I had to be extra careful of my sleeping position and couldn’t afford to leave the house. Withdrawal from the meds resulted in anxiety, hallucinations while trying to sleep, and insomnia that lasted for three days. The soreness in my abdomen lasted for over three weeks and even now I still feel a slight ache in my ribs.
That’s what happened to me after my gall bladder was removed. But when Bella Sue gets pulverized by a sadistic vampire she only feels discomfort, wooziness, soreness, and recovers in a couple of weeks at most just in time to go to the prom.
Stephanie Meyer, you once said you didn’t do research because you were lazy. And while I admire your honesty, you failed to mention what a common sense-deficient whore you are. Even if I hadn’t done any research on post-surgical recovery I never in a million years would have thought that someone with the injuries Bella received would wake up feeling only discomfort and soreness, nor would I assume it would take her two weeks at most to recover. But I and a good deal of humanity are smarter than you could ever hope to be, and I don’t feel a trace of shame in saying that because it’s a universal truth.
Click here to read about the wonderful Das Mervin’s own surgical experience as she rips Meyer a new asshole for her retardedness.
Actually, I shouldn’t say retarded. Calling someone like Stephanie Meyer retarded is a grave insult to people who are actually retarded.
Click here to read my post “Stephanie Meyer’s Unforgivable Insult to William Faulkner.”